I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
