I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
