im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
