I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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