well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
