you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
