I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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