Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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