dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
