we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize