it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
