I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
