Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
