Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
