oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
