he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
