i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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