I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
