Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
