dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
