There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
