Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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