There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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