Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Text me some of your sweat
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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