you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
