got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
