I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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