haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize