Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
