Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
