i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
