there's paper in my vomit.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
