and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
