maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
