She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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