Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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