If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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