About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize