The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
