I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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