I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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