I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
