It was confusing and full of hummus
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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