i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I met the friendliest cop last night
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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