apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
