You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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