i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
