Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize