Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
