and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
