I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
