Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So much rum. So many feels.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
