I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
