remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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