There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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