There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
