sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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